Sometimes something or someone will trigger in me a strong fear, one I know is irrational. I discussed this with a comedian friend of mine years ago, and he said that when he started to get thoughts that led to crippling feelings of inadequacy, fear of being judged, or the like, he’d do something very special. “I CALL BULLSHIT on those thoughts,” he said, which I thought was brilliant. So of course I copycatted him, and still do. But sometimes the grip in my chest turns out to be far too strong.
I told a close friend about this recently, and she suggested I might have PTSD. “But I’m so functional,” I thought. “Besides, isn’t PTSD something people who’ve experienced extreme crap like seeing people murdered in front of them get?” Then I Googled PTSD symptoms. “People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger.” I did happen to witness violence, and was sexually abused by certain people who were supposed to care for me, when I was a child.
I bring this up because at 2am this morning I awoke to a gripping fear surrounding an issue that’s been on my mind lately. So I pushed off my soft blanket, snuck into our living room, and thought about why I felt this way. I concluded it was related to my desire to please authority figures so they’d be good to me and not mean, and in doing so I’d feel worthy. “Damn, I’m smart,” I thought, cause that is precisely it. But the knowledge didn’t help me feel any better. So I decided to dip into my arsenal of tools, and remembered EFT.
EFT is essentially emotional acupuncture, used to heal a person quickly like in minutes, of emotional issues. A person thinks of an issue that causes in them a strong emotional reaction, and at the same time taps with their fingertips on certain energy circuits on their body as they speak of self-love. I had it done on me when a medic friend who’s worked on TV shows such as Big Brother visited me, and when I told him what I was going through, was able in 5 minutes to bring me to a state of utmost calm. So as I sat on my couch, past 2am, I began “In spite of this fear I feel, I deeply and completely love and accept myself,” and I tapped the various electrical points on my body, till it was all away, and I felt a deep calm.
In the fabulous cult that I used to be a part of, we used a saying. “You can’t stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” We used a lot of such sayings, some ridiculous, yet some suprisingly sensical.
In other news about hair, I CUT mine – the long hair I’ve had for decades, the long hair that the cult leader (oops, I mean ‘God’s Endtime prophet’), required all of us females to have, I cut. And I feel freer.